please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
You Might Also Like
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?