[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
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I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
He a real one for that
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich