Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
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It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.