@AllenaC

Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣

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@VerbsRProudest

Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.

@Tbone7219

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

@DurtMcHurtt

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.

@gojarbe

[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]

@badbanana

Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.

@Jake_Vig

Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…

@WheelTod

[Vegan Conference]

Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves

Vegan: I’m a vegan

Vegan2: I’m also a vegan