Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣

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Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.


My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.


My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.


[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]


Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.


Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…


[Vegan Conference]

Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves

Vegan: I’m a vegan

Vegan2: I’m also a vegan