Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
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Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose