Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
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72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Teach your children to beatbox
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
You deplete me
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark