Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
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5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
The three genders
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
oppen heimer style lol
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.