“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
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“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
This meal prepping shit is easy
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.