Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
You Might Also Like
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.