Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
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MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
when someone rings the doorbell
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…