Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
You Might Also Like
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
A woman drives into a bar.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Hey i am sexy to you now
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’