Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.

STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??

ME: *slowly stands up*

going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin

“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel

MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway

HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea

ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha

PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]

ME: Oh no shit shit shit

“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.

Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.

Life is fair, people are not.

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.

Rey: Like what?

Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.

ME: today will be a good day

PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol

Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’

Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”

In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile

*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*

Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”

5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”

Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry

life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women

Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.