Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
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I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison