“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
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Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
me when i see my girls butt
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up