please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
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Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
japanese corn
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!