Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
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My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
i wish we could shoplift online
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods