Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent

Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”

People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.

If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.

Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!

M: I’m gonna go relax

H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

[MOM GROUP CHATS]

Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.

[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍

(Watching him change a flat tire)

Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it

Me: We sure will

(Hands him the bottle)

Him: The CAR jack

Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,

I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.

“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

Try and stop me.

I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.

On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.

Me: it’s time to go

Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is

The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll steal their horse and turn it into glue.

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.