@Dawn_M_

Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.

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@nerdcula

So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.

@xLiserx

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

@sixfootcandy

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.

@jonnysun

Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.

“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”

Simba.. who told you about science

@LetMeStart

My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.

@Playing_Dad

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

@impaulmccoy

If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.

@SICKOFWOLVES

SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS

@dlicj

pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere