Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.

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[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”


Leia: This is romantic

Han: I know

Chewie: Rwwar

Leia: Does he have to be here?

Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both


My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.


Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato


I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.


the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?


INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.


it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking


The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.


ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.