Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
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Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Had an epiphany today.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.