Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
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A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Liquor Store Parking
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
The three genders.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
I enjoy a good short stor
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?