please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
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“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
#StillHurts
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded