Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
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STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Huge, if true.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.