Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
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The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.