Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).

Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!

me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?

My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.

Some of y’all tomorrow …

please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is

see you in hell you stupid fruit

ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket

I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.

When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”

Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.

I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.

When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.

i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

[therapy]

me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no

Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?

Mosquitos

Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie

People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.

I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.