“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
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boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.