Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
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My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
The Book. The Movie.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato