Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
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It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph