Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
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I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
s
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GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?