Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
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Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
welp
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
sin harder.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.