Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
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Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
the greatest twitter interaction
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.