“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
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When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.