‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
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Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Don鈥檛 date a Canadian woman unless you鈥檙e willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don鈥檛 understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other鈥檚 dresses
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Feels
Alicia Keys: 馃幎 I keep on fallin’ 馃幍
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn鈥檛 Know Camera Is On
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you鈥檙e going to have to let him go at some point and he鈥檚 going to be pissed.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.