Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
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Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
I’M CRYINGGG
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
If you had more money you’d be happier.
ok like just. call me at this point
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭