Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
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the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
He-man has a Masters degree
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay