Please keep my family in your thoughts. Our microwave broke, and we have to wait an hour for a baked potato.
![]()
You Might Also Like
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
I heard a sexy “i saw mommy kissing sata claus” which is unsettling—either the adult saw her senior mother kiss Santa (her dad?) and is horned up about it OR she’s singing about herself being Mommy having an out of body dissociation, either way, up her prescriptions
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
I missed you with all my darts
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u