Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
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Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running