Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
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“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
lmao
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him