Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
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me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
My boss called in sick of me
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019