Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
You Might Also Like
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Always a metermaid never a meter
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.