Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
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So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.