Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
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Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
me linking you to my twitter
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.