Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
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I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
What the hell is going on?
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.