Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
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culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
*gets down on one knee*
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
*praying for world peace*
God:
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room