please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
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A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
#ProTip
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”