Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
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Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
seems fine
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.