Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
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[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.