please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
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”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Bond. Trauma bond.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.