“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
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Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
listen closely
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.