PLEASE READ
You Might Also Like
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.