“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
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Come back with a warrant
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?