Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
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20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Some people were born into their job.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe